you are not a precious or unique snowflake

The house of cards may be falling.

Watching my enthusiastic colleagues sell the Jesus out of something they truly believe in, I couldn't help but mourn my own cynical spirit. To an extent, I can't muster up the strength to do it anymore. I was stern and sort of cross. I resented the very fact that I had to sell something I have no ownership over. I would not give the audience an inch or charm, nor could I find something clever or sarcastic to say to, at the least, entertain my coworkers. A part of myself disappeared tonight though I suspect it had been gone for a while.

There was little outlandish about it but it wasn't me. Three years ago I would have gabbed with the best of them and done so with gusto. But not tonight. I do believe in the place, but do not my place in it. Not anymore. The awkward graduate years completed I feel no less secure. Certainly I love my classes. I love the challenge and the creativity. My 12s today were brilliant- working through the problem together, trying different possibilities. Despite their youth (or perhaps because of it) they were unafraid and more intelligent than most will give them credit for. It was a rush and a thrill. If nothing else, being able to work with these kids keeps the novel and other creative urges at bay.

This passion is shared with select colleagues but I don't feel the need to show pony or prance around. This might be fine for some but I don't want any part of that. Perhaps I did, once, but not anymore. I don't want to be on a pedestal and resent the inclination that I should be. (It is of course ironic that someone with a blog doesn't want it to be about them.) I don't do it for that. I have no desire to be a showcase. I do it for the kids, and do it to please myself, achieving a level of satisfaction that can't be thrown out there at nights like this. This is nothing new for me, not really, since I have always rejected the gloss and mirror tricks pulled by managers to dress up a shop front when inspectors come calling (back in my decade long supermarket tenure.) It is incredibly important of course, that there is the appearance of doing well, but (stupidly if I ever want to see more money) my soul won't allow it.

I'm good at this, perhaps better than anything I've ever tried, failed or succeed at. But there's somethings that don't sit well and I no longer have the energy to fake it. There is some aspect of this that gets me by with students and some staff. Perhaps it is respectable and if not it certainly should be. I can't bullshit. Just can't do it. I admire all around me who continue to plow through the snow that is dumped in front of them every morning. But at some point, I can't be fucked making snow men when the snow keeps crushing what I've built the day before.

I just couldn't do it despite knowing that, not only is it expected of me, it is a requirement of the job. The internal question becomes- what do you do when you can't fulfill the requirements of the job?

Perhaps, worst of all, how the hell do they let me get away with it? The parts I love are being clouded by the things I can't get myself up for anymore. Hopefully the parts I love are enough to keep me going for a while longer.